


You Don't Get To Judge Me

by Fatvbirhd



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anger, Close to suicide, Drug Use, Mental Health problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:08:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23614996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fatvbirhd/pseuds/Fatvbirhd
Summary: Merlin has been alone for centuries. Its the reason that Merlin does have problems... lots of problems. He's angry at everyone and everything. So he turns to drugs. What happens when Arthur comes back? Will Arthur be able to help Merlin? Or is Merlin beyond saving?
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	You Don't Get To Judge Me

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't what I, as the writer, think or believe if you are facing drug problems is better to seek professional help.

“You're using Drugs!?”

_I had been caught injecting heroin in my body by Arthur. Not the way I saw today going but I don’t care he doesn’t get to judge me._ So, I answered. “Yeah so what?” _It made me relax what was his problem._

“You are not Immortal anymore... it could kill you” _Wow he’s so smart and here I thought he was so thick that he didn’t know the difference between the handle and blade of a sword._

“So what? Maybe I want to die.” I saw Arthur face and then his eyes stared into mine in deep disappointment.

"I didn’t expect this from you Merlin. Cause you know," Arthur began, holding the eye contact. "I've always thought you were the bravest man I've ever known. Now I'm not so sure anymore."

_That was rich. Really rich coming from him. I’ve finally gotten back control of life and now I have to give it up._ “Who the fuck do you think you are Arthur? You don’t get to judge me.”

“I’m your friend Merlin I get to judge you. And help you make the right decisions in life.”

“I have lived the last 1500 years by myself... alone. With no one around me. Everyone dies except me. Everyone I looked at has died. Forgive me if I want to kill myself the first chance I get. You think I’m being selfish by wanting to kill myself because you’ve decided you want to live your life. I’ve lived thousands of lifetimes. And I’ve never ever once had control of my lives. I was pushed and pulled in directions I didn’t want to go in. Just because of you. No one has ever asked me what I want. It’s always me who is giving. I gave you everything. I gave up every part of my soul to you. I gave my chance of love. I gave up my family. I gave up resentment and anger and the need for revenge. I gave up my grief.” Merlin broke down and started crying. “I gave up grieving. Just because I couldn’t or else you could be killed. Now for once in my life I’m choosing. I’m choosing what I do. I’m choosing to take drugs.”

“Merlin, I get you want to make your first real ‘choice’ if you can call it that. But it doesn’t mean you go on drugs, Merlin!”

“You asked me a few weeks ago about how I haven’t gone insane after all these years. Do you remember that? The thing is Arthur I did. Depression hit me hard. And I escaped it... or at least I thought I did. But you can never escape it. It comes after you. Your heart beats faster and faster. And you keep running further and further away. But no matter how fast or how far you run it will always, always catch with you. You can never escape your mind Arthur, because wherever you go it follows. The only escape I get. The moment everything quiets down, and I can relax is when I am doing this."

"So? I'm back. You don't need to worry anymore. You can stop using the drugs and we can rebuild." Arthur said as optimism gleamed on his face.

"Sorry rebuild what? Camelot? Albion? Arthur there is nothing to rebuild. Nothing to bring back."

"Yes, there is"

"What Arthur? What is there?"

"Life, Merlin. We can rebuild it."

"Oh, I had a life. I had something then you had to fuck everything up."

"By what? Dying? Merlin, that wasn't my fault. I didn't pick to die!"

"I wasn’t talking about your death, Arthur. I was talking about you. Your indecisiveness. That was the major problem, you didn't pick. You never picked. You never chose. You let other people make that choice for you. And once they told you. You refused to see more that there was more than one way. That was your fault. Not mine. That led to everything I built to crumpling and falling to the ground."

"You built? You weren't the only one in Camelot, Merlin. I was King. I kept my Kingdom standing six years."

"Everything you think, you built is lie. You didn't build anything. I built everything. Everything you got, everything you achieved, was the fruit of my labours. I kept the cities walls standing. I drove back Morgana countless times. And I did that lugging your dead weight with me!” Merlin sighed and rubbed his face, “I can’t live with you. I can't even stomach the sight of you. Because my one reason of being ‘alive’ is you. I have to devout myself to you. Because higher powers demand it. I don't want to be here."

"Yet you waited for me. You are still here Merlin" Merlin scoffed and looked at Arthur.

"No, I didn't wait for you. Don't be ridiculous, Arthur. Nor I did wait for Albion, nor for the return of magic, I waited for my death. I waited because I knew the moment you came back; I would be able to kill myself." Arthur looked shocked at Merlin.

"You wouldn't?!"

"We haven't known each other for a long time. Some may argue that we never knew each other. But don't, not for one second think that I wouldn't."

"Then why haven't you? You don't have the guts?" Arthur tried to regain composure the only way he knew how. Insulting me.

"Oh no, guts isn't what I am lacking it's something different. Something more interesting. Call it a favour." Merlin smirked at Arthur.

"A favour?"

"Yes. Believe it or not the favour is for you. The reason I am not killing myself is because I’m staying here until you adjust. Once you do then I’ll kill myself. That is final favour between strangers who once falsely considered one another friends.”

“I won’t let you” Merlin cruelly laughed at Arthur.

“Your welcome to try Arthur. But between me and you. I’m stronger and faster than you’ll ever be. And I’ll will always beat you. I have magic. You have a metal stick. Do the math Arthur know when you are beaten. When I die, I will welcome Death with my arms open and my heart free of burdens.”

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I re-read the orginal one I saw a few mistakes and some stuff I wanted to change.


End file.
